Fingernails ★½

FINGERNAILS is one of the stupidest films I’ve seen in years.

The premise of this 2023 American science fiction romantic drama is ridiculous.

That would be fine if the film worked as a comedy or satire, but it’s not intended to be.

I’m really not sure what Greek director and could-writer Christos Nikou was thinking and why quality actors Jessie Buckley and Riz Ahmed were drawn to it.

Get this.

We are some time in the future after a test was developed to determine whether two people are in love.

Inexplicably, the test appears to be accurate and has resulted in many relationships ending.

The test involves each person having to get one of their fingernails ripped out and placed in a microwave-like machine.

Anna and Ryan are a couple whose test proved positive for their relationship, but they appear to be having problems.

Anna gets a job at the Love Institute which offers couples the test and counselling services. She tells Ryan she has a new school-teaching position.

At her first training session she asks the boss what happens if a person has no arms to which he responds that he has no idea.

At the institute she is paired with Ahmed’s character whom you know from the outset she will eventually become involved with.

Oh, by the way, the counsellors just rip the person’s fingernail off without any pain relief being offered.

I would have presumed that was meant to be a comment on the pain of true love, but it isn’t.

One of my favourite lines of dialogue goes something like this: He says “We’ll have a bottle of red wine”, she replies “That would be good” and he then says “Yes, that would be nice.”

Worst major release of the year.